Night Vale watches the Eurovision
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Just a short fan episode I ended up spontaneously writing after someone mentioned the Eurovision on Tumblr. It's that time of the year again, when the song output from Europe rises dramatically, and Night Vale, caught in the middle of the show, reports on it. Also, news from Desert Bluffs, the results of the mayoral election, and traffic.


Cecil: Everyone is unique like a snowflake. Those who are not are just too scared to admit it. Welcome to Night Vale.

(intro music)

Hello, listeners. As you know, today is a very special day in Europe, and, given Europe's influential status on the rest of the world, it is a special day in the world. You see, the Eurovision Song Contest has once again taken motion in Coffin Falls, Dantellia. While Night Vale, being an American city, cannot participate and send a representative, as a reporter for the global community, it is still my duty to report about the contest, and how it develops. The contest so far is going well, with people reporting on it in the local language which, having visited Europe for quite a few times myself, I will try to translate the best myself. The reporters seem to be saying: "This year's contest is going to be a bit different. Instead of simply calling with a mobile phone to cast your vote, you will have to drip a drop of your own blood on the flag of the country that you're voting for. Surveyors will then look around homes for flags, count the drops of blood and announce the public vote. And remember: no voting for your own country, or there will be serious consequences." More on the contest as it develops.

But first, the news.

The elections of Mayor of Night Vale have just officially closed. Similar to the aforementioned Eurovision, citizens of Night Vale did not cast the votes directly. Instead, the Sheriff's Secret Police went around the town, carefully observing each Night Vale citizen, analyzing their food tastes, owned pets and mysterious monsters in their fridges, took note of which candidate would be the best for them and tallied the votes. The results are as follows: Marcus Vansten, given he does not particularly care about the town in general, much less its citizens, was favored by only 15 households. Hiram McDaniels - you know, the five-headed dragon - now, the Secret Police tallied the results for each of his heads individually, given their different political agendas. However, with all the heads' results added together, Hiram McDaniels only was favored by 46% of Night Vale residents, thus leaving the Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in your Home triumphant with 54% of the popular vote. As the results were announced, former mayor Pamela Winchell immediately showed up at your household and personally congratulated the Faceless Old Woman.

Carlos - to remind you, he recently abandoned his group of scientists and began living with me - has begun investigating the mysterious lights in the sky. You know, those which seem to have hung around our town for about two to three years. The spectroscopic analysis showed no signs of intelligent life, says Carlos, and that is quite strange, because the only explanation of the erratic and self-aware movements of the lights seems to be the presence of intelligent life. Carlos has said he will investigate more, but only after we hang out in our home a bit more.

More on Eurovision. It seems that the traditional showcasing of the songs has already begun with the song of Franchia. Now, as you remember, Franchia is a country with no human residents, only populated by the arches, but nevertheless, these Franchians seem to have delegated an- Oh! It seems the former Night Vale celebrity Louie Blasko has recently acquired Franchian citizenship and is now representing Franchia in the Eurovision! The sound of Louie's song has been described as a tentacle passing through your both ears and deeply sucking in as your soul begins subconsciously worshiping the gods from a distant planet on the other side of the galaxy. Just so you know, I am taking the flag of Franchia in the closet of our community radio station... and laying it on the floor of the studio, ready to cast my vote.

Intern Dana, over at the supposed location of the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area, has been reporting a strange phenomenon. As you know, the waterfront, given that Night Vale is in the middle of a desert and there is no water nearby, is virtually useless. But Intern Dana reports ghastly steam dripping from the ceiling on the location of the waterfront, and reporters in our version of Night Vale report water streaming like a geyser of Snowland, filling the desert. The Night Vale Business Association, given that they no longer believe the waterfront exists, had no comment, but it seems they were working on their tarot card collection and sorting the reality out, quite possibly altering reality in our favor.

Rejoice, Night Vale! Desert Bluffs has been lifted from the ground, Steve Carlsberg- excuse me. _Steve Carlsberg, the traitor of our community,_ says. While he is a Night Vale resident, he visits Desert Bluffs frequently, and last time he visited the town, it was a pile of rubble. In the place of the former Strexcorp HQ there is now a deep cave, and from that cave visitors from a distant land keep arriving. They only speak Russian, so Steve had no way of telling what they said, but they seemed alienated by appearing in the rubble of a distant desert. Meanwhile, the CEO of Strexcorp just held a press conference in the apparently relocated Strexcorp HQ, and announces he has begun funding the rebuilding and repopulation of Desert Bluffs. Well, let's rejoice for at least a few Desert Bluff-less moments.

And now, traffic. Phantom cars have been driving around Night Vale for a long time, but now they are ravaging. Some of them have expanded to the size of buses, pausing near the police station, picking up police cars and disposing of them in the desert. The newly elected mayor, the Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in your Home, could not be reached for comment, seeing as she has decided to relocate her home to the Mayor's Office. However, she left notes on your fridge, carefully drafted by positioning each spider of the house so they form letters. The note says: "Phantom cars are a nuisance of Night Vale. They must be b-" The onlookers report that the Faceless Old Woman is still crafting her response. She has just returned to your home, and is picking up spiders and repositioning them so they look like letters. "...must be banished from the town." Alright.

Back to Eurovision, listeners. The showcasing of the songs has finally concluded with the song of Svitz, Cornelia Cartwright's "The Anthem of All that Europe is Known For". Now, as completely irrelevant songs, some from former Eurovision contests, like TL United's "Vote for the Winners", some just for interest of the general public, such as the reconstructed first melody that has ever been played by a Homo sapiens in Europe, are playing, the hosts have finally announced that voting has begun. Now, just let me... Ow! ...cast a vote for Franchia...

(zap)

Oh boy. It appears the host of Eurovision, the well-known Dantellian host Cellia Sorcus, has appeared right here in my studio. She says that I have violated one of the rules of Eurovision, namely one that non-Europeans cannot cast votes for Eurovision, and that, as she mentioned, I am awaiting serious consequences. But first, before any of her tentacles can snap at me, I give you... the weather. *snap*

(Weather: Refrain by Lys Assia)

Cellia Sorcus: And with that the 59th annual Eurovision Song Contest has almost come to an end. Now, you, listeners of the boring and gray American town of Night Vale, have no recollection of how the voting happened, so I will briefly recap. This contest, I must say, we really had a close competition between the Beforan celebrity Arannabelle Sorketine and her song, which apparently consists of only tonal sounds of fire and ancient chants - well, each country has its own personality, right? And Cecil's apparent choice, which, I must once again remind you, is illegal, given that this is an European contest and we want to remain solely European, the representative of Franchia, Louie Blasko with "Exile", with Aranna leading by only a single point, while leaving the winner of the third place far behind. That means that the last country to announce its vote, Luftnarp, will be the decider of the winner.

Just seeing the small points, nope, none of the first two are there. Thus, allow me to announce: Luftnarp's 8 points go to... Latveria, _(Latverie ! Huit points !)_ 10 points go to... (fire sounds) Beforus, _(Beforussie ! Dix points !)_ and finally, 12 points go to... "I'm an exile... of a distant land, falling deeply... for the beloved hand..." Franchia. _(La Franchique ! Douze points !)_ Thus, Franchia gets ahead of Beforus by a single point and wins the 59th annual Eurovision Song Contest with a total of 314 points! Now, for the final condolences, boring and gray American town of Night Vale- You apparently like having rubble and Soviets right next to it- Listen. There's a really good reason the Soviet Republic is not allowed in Eurovision.

And thus, I leave you with the winning song. See you next year in Franchia, greet the sun, Europe, and of course, good night, boring and gray American town of Night Vale. Good night.

(Ending credits: Exile by Louie Blasko)


End file.
